Friday, January 3, 2014

Fell Behind Friday: Reflect


to move in one direction, hit a surface, and then quickly move in a different and usually opposite direction

I find this definition to be profound.  I am always moving in one direction--the direction of time.  I usually live in a state of feeling swept along with no way to gain foothold.  The days just keep moving, minute by minute, hour by hour; then the days move in to weeks--Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so forth and so on; the weeks become months--jog through January, fly through February, march through, well, um, March (I was going to stop there, but let's see if I can keep the alliteration going, shall we?), accelerate through April, muddle through May, jump into June, juggle July, adapt to August, swim through September, obliterate October, nod through November, and dream through December. (Huge breath in. That was actually a little painful.)  Then, as we all too recently discovered it is a new year, and where did the rest go? Honestly.  My daughter just asked me tonight how long ago I graduated from high school (according to teenagers, in the dark ages, apparently).  I do not feel like it has been twenty-five years--but what do I know?  What does twenty-five years feel like anyway.

Truth be told, I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I have to say, it actually does feel a lot like hitting a surface then quickly moving in another direction.  You see, I am trying to figure out what exactly I want to be when I grow up.  As it turns out, age is definitely a state of mind.  Most of the time I still feel like I am a teenager--mentally that it--I never have actually gotten the feel for being an adult.  Yes, I have taken on and handle adult responsibilities very well, but I haven't quite mastered the rights of adulthood.  Most of the time I feel inferior to other adults, but that is a topic for another blog post.

Of course there are those times when I feel my age.  I struggle with thinking that I can re-enter the workforce at this point in time, or the point in time just a few short years from now when my kids are no longer under my control. Who would want someone my age to work for them when they can get someone years younger?  I feel I am past my usefulness.  Then, of course, there are those issues with my knees--they are happy to remind me that I am no spring chicken.

But I have to decide what I am going to do, what I am going to be.  The husband and I want a totally different life for ourselves once the kids are out of the house; a life that is simply not going to permit me to be a stay-at-home-wife.  I am going to have to gainfully contribute; the problem with that is that I will have to be gainfully employed.

So I am trying to sort out what it is that I want to do.  Truth be told, I have already accomplished my childhood dream.  You know, the one where you say, "When I grow up I want to be a . . ."  I always finished that sentence with "wife and mother."  Check and check.  In that sense, I am extremely successful.  But my life doesn't end at wife and mother.  My youngest will be a legal adult in a short six and one-half years.  And, yes, it is absolutely short.  The days are long, but the years are short, short, short (see above).

There was only one other time in my life when I knew with absolute certainty what I wanted to be.  I was determined to be the CEO of Disney, and I believed I could, too.  But I lost sight of that dream, somewhere around the time I became disillusioned with Disney, you know, when I actually looked at it through adult eyes. (Huh, maybe there were a few times I felt like a grown-up.) 

When I was living those CEO pipe dreams, I was enrolled in a business management/administration program at an university.  But just ten short classes short of graduating, I decided to earn my M.O.M. degree.  I don't regret that one bit.  What I do regret is not slowly working to finish up that degree.  I do not think that I am just ten short classes shy of that B.S.B.A. degree now.  Truth is, I no longer have an interest of being a business administrator, but I would like to say that I completed my degree.  I am just too practical, though.  I have no intention of working in a job that would utilize such a degree, so I cannot justify spending the time and money to complete it.

I know, it seems like to have drifted way off topic, but in truth I haven't.  I have been reflecting.  Reflecting so much that I am bouncing in a ton of different directions.  What is the opposite of reflecting?  Absorb.  Absorb is the opposite of reflect.

Honestly I have this mental picture of standing in the middle of a circle of mirrors and balls are pinging off the mirror, going in the opposite direction then bouncing off and going in another direction.  And there are lots of balls.  That is how I have been feeling with trying to sort through all my thoughts and emotions.  That is reflection.  Absorption. . .that gives me a mental picture of sitting down in the middle of the mirrors, closing my eyes and internalizing all my thoughts and emotions.  I haven't done that, but I might well consider it.  It would require allowing the past to just be.  Not something that comes easy to me.  I have always lived the motto, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."  A good motto, but prevention and beating oneself up for past decisions are two totally different things.  I think I may be operating as though they are a single entity.

Think I will call myself Lucy and hang out my shingle.  The mirrors will come in handy when I am acting in two different roles.  O.K., I think I am officially punch drunk.  Time to call it a night.

Five Minute Friday: Fight

"Fight the good fight."  Those were the first words that came to my mind when I saw the topic for this Five Minute Friday.  What is the good fight?  Of course in scripture it refers to fighting for what we believe; and believe me, that can be a fight. Going against the mainstream--you had better believe it.  And it just gets harder every year.  Just try to raise kids who have a good faith and morals--even if you have them in church they are constantly surrounded by worldly music, girls who do weird "dance" moves on award shows and are talked about everywhere you turn, and my absolute favorite--bumper stickers with very choice words.  Yeah, I want to fight--fight all of it.

But the truth is, I get so tired.  Just bone weary of constantly swimming upstream.  I still swim (cue Dory, "Keep on swimming, keep on swimming. . ." ahem).  But many, oh so many times I just want to quit.  Thank God He didn't quit on us.  Thank God that He fights for us.  The God of angel armies is ALWAYS on our side.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Fell-Behind Friday (Commonly known as "Five Minute Friday")

When the kids started school this year I decided that I would take a trip into my passions.  Writing is one of those passions.  I found Lisa-Jo Baker's blog and Five Minute Friday.  I was so excited and looked forward each week to the prompt.  Then life happened.  Somehow I got bogged down with mental overload and physical fatigue.  I let Friday after Friday to by without participating in the writing party.

As a part of my Christmas Bucket List (really, I don't care for that name--how morbid--but everyone knows what someone means when it is said--"Thank you, Mr. Nicholson"), I have decided to catch up on the writing prompts.  One prompt a day.  I may or may not keep my writing time to five minutes.  I will probably put more thought into what I write. 

I will be doing my best to be back online on the 23rd.

Until then . . .

Sunday, September 22, 2013

"Happy Fall, Ya'll!!!"

I have to brag just a little.  It is the 1st Day of Fall and I hung my fall wreath (newly made) on my door TODAY!!!

Unfortunately, no one has informed the weather that it is the 1st Day of Fall and the temps are hovering somewhere around middle of summer hot.  I am starting to get bummed about the heat.  I am trying to remind myself that I really hate the cold and that this winter when it is freezing I am going to be wishing for some warmth.  I pretty much tell myself the same thing in reverse when it is freezing outside.  The difference is that I really, really don't like to be cold--the heat just zaps my enthusiasm.

Really, the point is that I purchased materials to craft the wreath, then actually followed through with getting it made--within 24 hours of making the purchase no less.  Yea me!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Five Minute Friday: She

She has always, in a way, been a part of my life.  When I was a little girl, I would pretend, I would play, I would hope, I would dream. I always longed for her.

As I got older, my thoughts for her became stronger, more concrete. She took on a name long before she could be named.

When she did come to be, she became a prayer, "Lord, please let her be healthy, strong, whole, sweet-spirited, happy."

She came into the world ten days "late." She looked like a little chicken with big eyes, and she was mine. She was my dreams come true. She was a fulfillment of a long-lived, strong desire.

She was beautiful.  She had hair that looked like it was on fire when she was in the sun. She had the palest, prettiest skin. She had a little up-turned nose and a Mickey Mouse voice.

She was strong. She amazed me over and over again. She is so much more confident than I will ever be. She has a sweet-spirit, but can hold her own. She does not bend to fit in anyone's mold.

She is growing up much too fast, time is now so short. Now I watch her as she becomes the young woman that she will be. I want to jump in and rescue her from life's heartaches, but I must hold back and let her learn and grow on her own. And she is doing such a great job.

I love her so much.

She is my daughter.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Five Minute Friday: Red

Linking up . . .

I was just going to let this one go this week.  I am not overly fond of the color red; although I do not have really strong feelings about it.  Now, if the topic had been yellow . . .

So I was once again skimming over this topic tonight when it occurred to me; I do have something to say about this topic.

My Bubbie Boy stayed home sick today.  I was apprehensive about this--I don't want it to become a habit, and it very easily could for this child.  But that is another conversation.

He slept for several hours, then once he got up, we played a game together.  After that he asked me to make an orange ginger smoothie for him.  I was out of oranges and ginger, can't make an orange ginger smoothie without those ingredients.

So I decided we should go to the store.  I told him to go get dressed.  He came out all in red.  Red exercise shorts, red shirt, red Nike elite Underarmor knockoff socks. ($12.00 for one pair of socks?  Are you kidding me?) 

And he was so pleased with himself.  He thought he was the coolest to be all in red.  Cute boy.  It actually makes me smile.

Monday, September 2, 2013

True Confessions of a Fermenting Mom

I am a newbie to the fermenting world.  I have now managed to make my first jar of sauerkraut, and I have a jar of jalapeno slices sitting in the cabinet in my sewing room. (Yes, it is in my sewing room.  One thing I have learned is that different ferments like their own space so in the interest of respecting my ferment's privacy, I have grown creative.  Don't judge me.)  I have gotten my milk kefir production down to quite the process.  It involves straining it off at approximately every twenty-four hours . . . except for when I forget  . . . like I did last night.

This morning I was happily lying in bed searching through a kindle book when these words popped out at me, "Remember, if you are baking with yogurt, you will lose the pro-biotic effect at 150 degrees."  Yeah, I know that, no problem.  Hey wait, there is a problem!  I forgot to drain the kefir last night!  Those who are pro-biotic nuts will understand the maze my brain traveled there.

Let me backtrack.  I spent a great deal of yesterday afternoon looking forward to a cup of Blue Banana frozen yogurt.  I was meeting a friend there and we were going to have a little visit.  We arrive at said Blue Banana only to find that the creamiest, best tasting flavor is out and there is no more mix.  We have tasted this particular flavor and noted the texture.  Now nothing else will do.  No Blue Banana frozen yogurt.

I had to make up for this loss once I got home, so I mixed up my homemade, guilt-free, frozen dessert substitute of choice--plain yogurt sweetened with stevia, chia seeds and cocoa powder.  O.K., O.K. I added a few pinches of shredded coconut and chopped pecans last night.  (I was making up for the Blue Banana deprivation.)  To get the best result from this concoction, it must sit for about 15 minutes to allow the chia seeds to do their thing.  No problem.  I wanted to get a shower and into comfy pajamas.  Calgon moment accomplished, I settled into my bed with my laptop and bowl of delight and was whisked away into bliss.  Thoroughly satisfied, I went to bed and slept well; happy as could be.

Until I remembered this morning about the kefir.  Here's the thing.  Bubbie Boy had a sleepover last night.  They are sleeping in the front room.  I don't want two eleven-year-old boys awake at 5:00 in the morning.  Arg!  What to do?  Probably the kefir will be o.k.  I will just wait.  Nope. No can do.  I have to feed those kefir grains.  If they starve, they will die.  If they die, I will be keifer-less.  I. Can't. Be. Keifer-less.

True confession time.  (Cue Mission Impossible music.)

As quiet as a mouse I snuck into the kitchen and retrieved two clean jars, a plastic chop stick, a plastic spoon, my mesh strainer and draining bowl  (I already explained that I have worked out the science of my milk kefir production.  Again, stop with the judging thing.)  I tippy-toed it back into my bathroom.  I then retrieved my precious.  (No, not a ring, the kefir.  Duh!)  And, yes, I strained my kefir in my bathroom.  I admit it.  Hey, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do!

I can justify these actions by saying that I have a water closet, and when the door is closed you can pretend that certain parts of the bathroom are not really in the room.  Also, I have been being very good about keeping the bathroom counters clean, and I was very careful to not put anything on the counter that would in any way compromise the kefir.

I am happy to report that I now have added to my kefir stockpile, two more jars of milk are happily kefiring away and, most importantly, the eleven-year-old boys are still asleep.  The husband is a different story.  When he stated that I was waking him up, I told him that I didn't care.  Priorities, Honey!  Love you, Babe!

Shared at Rich Faith Rising.